"There's honor in that. God gets glory from that."
That's what I told a friend this week at our weekly Bible study, speaking of motherhood. She spoke of how she'd wanted to get a medical degree and go overseas and help kids in Africa. But due to her lack of ability in Chemistry, it was clear that God had not called her that direction. Instead, she finds herself now expecting a baby girl in about 4 months. It's the same situation I found myself in 9 years ago. Motherhood. It is a calling many of us find ourselves thrown into before we have any idea what we are doing. In fact, 9 years later I still don't feel like I have this "Mom thing" figured out. My house stays a mess. Lived in, my mom-in-law calls it. My kids yell, and sometimes I am too quick to anger and I yell back. But I'm trying. I'm trying to do what God has called me to. Even though I fail frequently, I'll never give up. I'll keep trying and struggling to live in a way that honors God. Because to know Him, and to make Him known is the whole point of living our time out on earth. I'll never begin to understand why He thought me worthy of mothering these three children. These 3 "little sinners" as my friend Amy calls them (with utmost love!). Last month she spoke on motherhood being our ministry. That was such a profound thought that had never occurred to me, in all my 9 years of being a wife and mother. That is my calling, and whether I chose it or God chose it, it's where I am. But if I do my best to honor God in how I parent my children, whether I screw up here and there is kinda irrelevant. I think He knows we're human, and we're incapable of perfection, just like the kids. I think for me, sometimes it's hard not to sit back and take stock, looking at all the areas where things are flawed and feel like you are not even making a difference.
I spoke the other day about the extraordinary amount of messes my youngest makes. My middle child is extremely sensitive and takes everything to heart. My oldest, 8 year old drama queen is an expert at making mountains of molehills. She constantly forgets what I've told her a million times, and then feels awful about it. She loses her temper constantly over stupid things. Well, she comes by the last one honestly.
But I have the fantastic responsibility of molding these children before the world gets a hold of them. It's one of those tasks that I get lost in, and most days when I'm in the thick of it, it does feel mundane. But I'm being reminded there is glory (for God ) in that. Certainly not glory for me. But we should not be glory seeking. Our goal, our main goal should be to live and love in a way that brings God honor and glory. Motherhood does that. It's one of those behind the scenes jobs that never gets recognized most of the time. All the things that get done through the day, most never even get seen by anyone else. When I'm sweeping the floor or washing what feels like the hundredth dish, the kids don't see that. But God sees it. I'm learning to praise God with a sincere heart even when the task is the most monotonous or stressful. Because God sees it. And because for the big picture, the kids see it. They might not know or understand everything mom does, but they see my attitude. I am trying to find that balance of praising God even when I feel unappreciated (by the kids) because that they do see. Hopefully when my kids are grown, they will have a strong and grounded relationship with Christ in their own lives. I pray that they will have rich, strong marriages and godly parenting strategies. Not because I was a great mother, but because somehow, despite myself, God shined through me.
But I think the decision and calling to be not only a stay at home mom while my kids are little, but also a homeschool mom is sometimes a belittled one. My husband gets it. We have chosen to take charge of our children's education and spiritual guidance, because we only have them for so long. We want them to learn to be a light to others. That means that I get to be the one who helps them discover new things for the first time, all the while playing a huge part in their spiritual guidance. Who am I that God would choose me for this? I'm a broken, messed up person. But He did. He choose me. He chose me to mother them. 24/7. That's humbling to me. He obviously sees something in me I could never see. But that makes me want to honor Him and please Him that much more.
The part I think I neglect to acknowledge most of the time is that there are sacrifices Jacob and I have made to obey God in this way. If I were in the work force, 2/3 kids would be in public school most of the year. We learned early on that when the kids were little, it actually made more financial sense for me to stay home with the kids than to work or go to school and pay for childcare. At one point, we would be paying more out in childcare than we would have brought in by me working. We did try that, by the way. We haven't always had the priorities we have now. Now, I'm not belittling anyone or criticizing anyone else's choices. I'm just sharing ours. But I could go to work. The summertime would get expensive because there would be no public school free childcare, but I could work. I could put Jonah in daycare and go to work. Financially, during the school year, it would probably help us out significantly. But God hasn't called me to do that. So this struggle of having less money to go around is also a calling in a sense. Jesus talked a good deal about money in the Bible. Most of the time it was to tell his followers to give it all away. When he says blessed are the poor, and He speaks of the woman who gave so little but it was all she had, it is with pleasure in her. Hopefully God gets glory out of this. Being paycheck to paycheck could (hypothetically) be solved if I would only put myself and my spending habits before God. Instead, we find ourselves in a place of full reliance and dependence on God's provision. All because I have the beautiful, stressful, crazy, blessed, job of mothering. There may not be a paycheck now, but I'm praying there's an eternal one. Not for my sake, but for the honor of my God's. I'm praying there's honor for Him in this. I guess I better start living like it.
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